I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
