Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
