so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
