A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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