she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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