a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I didn't shave. On purpose
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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