tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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