If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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