get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
