my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
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