god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
