She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
