Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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