I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
