Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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