If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
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i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Help. Why am I so naked?
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