I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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