I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
