I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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