good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
