i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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