Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
