just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
