Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My balls are so social today.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
