So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
