So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
