1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
