you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
