What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
