oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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