at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Randomize
