When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
