She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
