Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I deserve this hangover.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
