mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
