I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
