I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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