I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
