it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
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