I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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