Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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