my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
