Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
