I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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