I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
