Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
