There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
