Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
She told me I should be a condom model.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
