the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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