Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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