I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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