got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Randomize
