I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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