seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We have so much sex to catch up on
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
