I feel great
I just peed on a car
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
