he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
