You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
