i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you will always have a special place in my vag
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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