I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
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He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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