Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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