Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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