Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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