I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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