I accidentally had phone sex last night
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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